


Castiel? Cas?

by ILoveMisha2



Series: The end [16]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5x04, Angst, Mentions of Character Death, One Shot, Other, Sad, The Apocalypse, The End, cas, castiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 20:52:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5063683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILoveMisha2/pseuds/ILoveMisha2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The end, cas thinks about who he is and who he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castiel? Cas?

**Author's Note:**

> No beta, all mistakes are mine.  
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, just the story.

Was it July or was it June? Castiel couldn't tell, more than that he didn't care to. All that he knew was that he needed a fan and for someone anyone to call him Cas. He was tired of being castiel. He wasn't castiel anymore and he knew that along with the entire camp. They all saw what he was on a daily basis and even he knew it wasn't much.

Just a cocky smirk here, a raised eyebrow there, and smooth words that he could finally deliver as such. That wasn't castiel and that's what he knew. Castiel was heroic, brave, a soldier armed with nothing more than his grace and will to serve heaven. Castiel was a dick. 

Cas, well, cas was a dick too but at least he was nice about it. At least cas gave you something in return whether that be sharing drugs or a dimly lit cabin for a night and someone to call yours even if for a few hours. Cas was fun, he made jokes and laughed as much as he could. He realized a long time ago it wasn't worth giving a shit about. Being all serious about this whole apocalypse thing. They were going to lose and why the hell would he sit back and sulk while they all went down when he could be having fun while the lights went out. So that's what cas did.

Castiel wanted to stand next to dean's side, wanted to believe so much in the man he raised from eternal damnation. He wanted to believe dean when he said they were like family. He wanted to believe him when he said they would win this, they would survive.

Cas wanted dean to chill, to sit and inhale the smoke that would give him peace. Cas wished he had left dean in hell because now cas thinks hell would be better than this. Cas doesn't believe they'll be winning anything but a ticket to see death but he still believes dean. He believes dean has changed, he believes that dean will sacrifice whatever he feels he must. He believes dean when he tells them they're not family anymore. He believes dean when he tells him its his fault that Sam is gone.

Castiel is dead. Castiel seems like he existed only in a dream, maybe even a memory. Castiel wasn't mourned or remembered. Castiel wasn't the savior he wanted to be. He wasn't the hero, he wasn't brave. Castiel was just a machine, an excuse to fight an unjust cause.  
Castiel wasn't supposed to die.

Cas took over. He took off the trench coat and burned the tie. Cas gave his suit to a dead stranger, to keep him warm while he traveled into the light. Cas felt his grace rip its way out of him with no warning or delay. Cas didn't mourn it like he thought he would. Cas let go of heaven of the machine his old self was meant to be. Cas met the wrong people who showed him the wrong stuff. Cas wanted to forget, to piece together shitty memories to make a blanket in his mind so he wasn't cold, that's where the wrong stuff, the smoke and pills came into play. Cas stopped asking dean why, he stopped talking to dean completely unless spoken to. Cas lived and let live.

Castiel is dead, and cas isn't sure anymore how he feels about that revelation. He doesn't know how to take the long coming news. He doesn't know how to feel over the fact that dean didn't notice or care. Cas isn't cas or castiel. He doesn't want to be either, he wants to be free. He tired of ties and trenchcoats, guns and needles. He's so damn tired.

Cas wants to live as much as castiel died but this isn't the place and dean isn't okay. Cas realizes the same thing castiel has always known. No matter what he'll always be alone in this because no matter what anyone says, dean has always been dean. He's always been this dean just less defined and carved out but it's always been him. Castiel isn't cas and that's where things shift. He's tired of shifting and being and listening. He wants to let go, to fall away and maybe remember who castiel was. He wants to remember what it meant to be him, what it meant to have a purpose and a reason.

Castiel is dead. But cas is dying.

Cas is dying. Finally he thinks.


End file.
